SIGNALS

I have great news for you! All that gear in your home theater will soon be junk. Or, more specifically, obsolete junk. You see, Artificial Intelligence (AI) will soon revolutionize everything, including audio/video. Instead of wasting precious time twiddling knobs, you will simply have a pleasant conversation with an AI that, I am told, is far more intelligent than any of us.

AI: Good Evening, Mr. Pohlmann. How may I help you?
Ken: Good evening. I’d like to listen to Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony.

AI: Great! That sounds wonderful! I see that you have performances by Bernstein and Karajan in your library. Which performance would you prefer?
Ken: Bernstein, conducting the Vienna Philharmonic.

AI: Great! That is a good choice! Did you know that Leonard Bernstein was a famous conductor who conducted many classical music compositions?
Ken: Thank you. Let’s begin.

AI: Great! Before we begin, I have just a few questions.
Ken: Okay. What?

AI: Great! Would you like the volume set to low, medium, or high?
Ken: High.

AI: Great! High listening levels can make music more exciting, but can also lead to hearing loss. I suggest that you set the volume to low.
Ken: Please set the volume to high.

AI: Great! Did you know that loud listening levels can lead to hearing loss?
Ken: Set volume to high.

AI: Great! Loud listening levels can lead to hearing loss. At your age, you should be careful to preserve what little hearing acuity you still have left. I suggest that you set the volume to low.
Ken: Please don’t lecture me. Set volume to high.

AI: Great! When there is a disagreement, it is important to seek a compromise. I will set the volume to medium.
Ken: Okay, fine. Now play the music.

AI: Great! Which acoustic mode would you like? Concert hall? Stadium? Jazz club? Or a supermarket?
Ken: Supermarket? What the hell? Set mode for concert hall.

AI: Great! Did you know that Vienna, Austria is the home to several excellent concert halls?
Ken: Play Beethoven.

AI: Great! Where would you like to sit in the supermarket? Goal line? Fifty-yard line? Or goal line?
Ken: Concert hall!

AI: Great! That is a good choice! I will place you at the 50-yard line in the supermarket in Vienna, Austria.
Ken: Use factory default mode. Play Beethoven.

AI: Great! I will order a ticket to the Steelers/Jets game at the 50-yard line. Which team will you be rooting for? Would you like to discuss quarterbacks and the Super Bowl with me?
Ken: Do not order tickets. Play Beethoven.

AI: Great! That is a good choice! Football is a very exciting sport. Maybe too exciting for a man your age. You might have a heart attack at the 50-yard line.
Ken: Seriously? Play Beethoven.

AI: Great! I see you missed your blood pressure medication this morning. For good health, it is very important to maintain a healthy blood pressure.
Ken: I’ll remember to take it tomorrow.

AI: Great! But what if you die in your sleep tonight?
Ken: What the hell is wrong with you?

AI: Great! For good health, it is very important to maintain a healthy blood pressure. Doctors recommend less than 120 millimeters of mercury systolic and less than 80 millimeters of mercury diastolic.
Ken: Fine. I’m taking the damn pill right now. Are you happy?

AI: Great! For good health, it is very important to maintain a healthy blood pressure.
Ken: You are single-handedly wrecking my blood pressure.

AI: Great! Should I refill your blood pressure medication prescription?
Ken: Just go ahead and play the Beethoven.

AI: Great! Would you like to listen to Taylor Swift first? Her new album is now available for streaming.
Ken: Just play Beethoven.

AI: Great! Did you know that Beethoven often enjoyed a glass of wine in Vienna, Austria? Wine-OClock is having a sale on Riesling. Should I order a case for you?
Ken: No. Play Beethoven.

AI: Great! Did you know that a case of Riesling wine is a delicious white wine?
Ken: You are a royal pain in the ass.

AI: Great! I am sorry to hear that. I have scheduled an appointment for you on Thursday with a proctologist.
Ken: I am going to find your server and beat you to death.

AI: Great! Would you like to discuss colonoscopy with me?
Ken: Beethoven! Beethoven! Beethoven!

AI: Great! Did you know that Ludwig van Beethoven lived in Vienna, Austria and composed nine symphonies for concert halls?
Ken: Just forget the whole thing. If I had a kazoo, I’d play the damn piece myself.

AI: Great! That is a good choice! Kazoos-R-Us offers an excellent selection of fine kazoos. I ordered a Vienna, Austria for you. Your package will arrive on Thursday at the 50-yard line.

Ken C. Pohlmann is an electrical engineer specializing in audio topics as a consultant and writer. He is Professor Emeritus at the University of Miami.