SIGNALS

When I saw the press release, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought it was some kind of joke or, as they say — misinformation. But I checked and double-checked and even placed a call to a high-ranking official in Washington. They confirmed that it is true. Starting in 2025, sales of turntables will be banned in the United States.

Honestly, I am in shock. I am sitting here at my typewriter, fingers poised, ready to write, but I really don't know what to say. After 150 years of faithful sound reproduction, the needle is about to leave the groove. I am in shock. But, you know, in today's topsy-turvy world, when it sometimes seems that nothing makes sense any more, even the most improbable things can become probable and in this case, legally mandated.

The turntable ban is coming from the Environmental Protection Agency. As you know, while Congress passes laws, a plethora of government offices write regulations. In some ways, the latter exert more power than the former. The job of the EPA, of course, is to protect us again harmful agents in the air and water. In this case, the danger lies in particulate matter emitted by turntables; the ban will guard against this newly diagnosed form of indoor air pollution.

There is ample precedent for this turntable ban. You will recall that magnetic tape, as used in audio cassettes, open reel recorders, and video recorders was considered a "dirty" medium. The tape would invariably shed iron-oxide particles; necessitating cleaning of the tape heads, tape guides, etc. You will also recall that the EPA banned sales of cassette and open-reel tape devices in 1989 due to this very problem of particulate pollution.

At the time, shedding from vinyl records was well known. Stereo Review (as Sound & Vision was called then) carried numerous articles on this topic. It was felt that the risks were minimal. However, test equipment recently developed at Hammer Laboratories has allowed for more detailed analysis of vinyl shedding, and company experts frontally exposed the extent of the danger. This is what has prompted the EPA to take action.

While acknowledging that the ban may create some “initial unease,” the EPA report emphasizes that the consequent improvement in indoor air quality will be considerable. According to the EPA report, CDC health experts estimate that over 12,000 audiophile lives will be saved annually. Although the EPA takes no official position, the report notes that class action lawsuits have been filed in several states by turntable owners who have been harmed by vinyl shedding.

So, that's that. Thanks to the EPA, turntables will join internal combustion engines as technologies that ultimately caused more harm than good, and therefore must be banned. Not everyone is unhappy. As Dr. Firstus Lirpa, chief scientist at the EPA, noted, “Who cares, anyway? The clicks and pops of records make it a pretty lousy audio medium.”

A few details of interest: The ban on turntable sales takes effect January 1, 2025. The ban will also include the sale of all vinyl records, regardless of playback speed. Consumers operating turntables in their homes will be required to register with the EPA, documenting the number of turntables and records that they own. Annually, you must report how many hours the records were played in the previous year. For convenience, this information will be reported on the new IRS Form 3313, and filed with your tax return. A plan to confiscate existing turntables is under discussion but no announcement has been made at this time.

Alert readers will note that today is April 1st. You didn't really believe that thing about banning internal combustion engines, did you?