OTHER TECH

So you didn't research equipment at all?

Not really. I just said, "Give me the best." I do that with a few things in my life, like cars, watches, and hookers. I'm half kidding. Let me tell you: We don't pay them for the sex - we pay them to leave. That's what's great.

You should be governor of New York.

Now, you saw the chick that [Eliot Spitzer] was with. If you're rolling in the dough, was she worth $80,000 a year? This is the thing: If you're a guy who's making a few million a year, there's no way a girl is going to cost you less than $80,000, if you do the gifts and the trips and everything else. You pay for it one way or another, either in a triple bypass after 35 years of marriage, or you're going to lose half of everything down the line after saying something stupid at a party. That's what's great about these hookers. They're hot, and they give men what they want. Look, men don't want conversation. What is a woman going to tell us that will make us say, "Wow! Unbelievable! That changed my life!" Is that jaded or is that real? Either way, women will cost you a fortune. That's why a vagina is shaped like that, so you can swipe a credit card.

I think it's fair to say that your TV series pretty accurately reflects your worldview. Watching 'Til Death is enough to make someone never, ever want to get married.

Good. You don't want to be married. I know I don't. It's a wonderful thing for many people, but there are some people who shouldn't be married, and I think I'm one of them.

Want to see more photos of Brad Garrett's home theater? And one of Joely Fisher's too? Just click here.

How accurate is the show's portrayal of marriage?

I think it's incredibly accurate. If anyone tells you it's not, they're not honest or they're not married. Out of all the couples that I know, one is happily married. Just one wouldn't get out. If most of these people didn't have kids, they'd all be out. Kids are the reason to stay married. I came from divorce, and kids know when parents aren't happy, and they deserve the happiest environment you can give them. I sleep in a different house, but I probably see my kids more often than 80% of fathers do who live in the same house - because it's a priority to me, and I have a great relationship with my ex-wife. I do things together with her boyfriend and the kids, all of us together. You have to parent as a couple, to have that solidity, that consistency. I know this interview isn't for Psychology Today. I don't mean to pontificate.

The first season of 'Til Death recently came out on DVD. Do you ever go back and watch your own work?

Rarely. I knew what the show needed as we were doing it. We've really come a long way to where it is now. We've added some elements that I'm excited about. J.B. Smoove [Curb Your Enthusiasm] is a comedic actor who's joined our cast. His first episode is one of the strongest shows we've done. I've tweaked my character, and the writing has made a jump. This is what I learned on Raymond: It takes a show a couple of years to really find itself.

Does DVD help build a show's fan base?

I don't really know if it helps a show in the beginning. I think it's just for fans to get into. It's never made sense to me to put only a million Nielsen boxes in a country this large. I don't know how those boxes can speak for 300 million people. I don't have a technological mind. My VCR still flashes 12:00 - and yes, I said VCR. But there's got to be a way to put a chip somewhere - maybe in my ass, which would hurt - that would more accurately record who's watching what. They're just now figuring out who's DVR-ing what. We're the third-highest DVR-ed sitcom on the air right now. So, what I'm saying is, they don't love us enough to watch us right away, but they love us enough to watch us the next morning. That I'll take.

Do you enjoy doing the extras on DVDs, like commentaries?

I do love that. I think Fox cringes when I do things that are unscripted. In my standup, I have a tendency to get a little honest.

I like how DVDs contain that disclaimer at the beginning, saying the views expressed in the commentary aren't necessarily the views of the parent company. What could someone possibly say?

Oh, you need to be careful. I actually have a person that Fox has sent over who walks in front of me everywhere I go with a sign that says exactly that. I'm just very honest and verbal and upfront and sometimes not the most PC guy in the world - like my character. The character I play in 'Til Death is closest to myself than anyone I've ever played. I calls it like I sees it. That's how I roll.