TECH2

One of my favorite authors, Robert Heinlein, had a form letter he sent to fans. To save time, it had all the possible options for correspondence, and he’d check the applicable boxes.

Being considerably less talented — and marginally less grumpy (arguable) — I figured this would be a fantastic way to deal with the 100+ emails I get each day.

So for all my tech journalist friends/colleagues/enemies, and for all my future fans/haters/curious minds, here is the eminently useful, infinitely adaptable, largely offensive, Form Letter for Tech Correspondence.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your email. I regret I can’t respond in a more personal fashion. I receive dozens of emails per day, and wouldn’t have the time to write if I responded to them all with the exactitude they so deserve. Below I have checked off the appropriate responses to your query:

1) ______ Thanks for reading!

2) ______ Thank you for your unsolicited review pitch. I regret I don’t review:

            ______ Kitchen Appliances

            ______ Tractors

            ______ Dildos

3) ______ I’m sorry I can’t help you decide between the two TVs you mentioned. Whichever one    you’ve presumably bought already is the best TV available.

4) ______ Thank you for making the effort to email about a typo you found.

            ______ You missed the other typos in paragraphs ______, ______, and ______.

            ______ In your email you spell ____________ and ____________ wrong.

            ______ “You’re” not “Your”

5) ______ I am sorry you were offended by my joke about ____________. Know that your concern is duly noted, and I will take your opinion to heart when next I discuss your particular group/organization/political orientation.

6) ______ I am glad you loved my joke about ____________. Know that your love is duly noted, and I will take your opinion to heart when next I discuss that particular group/organization/political orientation.

7) ______ Thank you for the invite to your press event about ____________. I would like to direct you towards a globe, so you can notice there is a world west of the Hudson, and some of us live there.

8) ______ I apologize I recommended the product you chose not to buy. However, I am not a shill   for any company. Please note that anyone who uses ad hominem attacks is simpleminded.

9) ______ Sciacca, stop bothering Darryl.

10) ______ I recommend reading the article you’re emailing about. You’ll find I already pre-answered all of your questions/complaints in the body of the text.

11) ______ Thank you for your email. It is rare someone takes the time to write such thoughtful comments about something they liked. You have made my day.