SIGNALS

Much like puberty, the Consumer Electronics Show can be awkward, embarrassing, something to look forward to, and something to be glad about when it's finally over. During puberty, your voice gets deeper, hair starts to appear in new places, and you learn what the word “gonads” means. CES is exactly the same. However, unlike puberty, CES happens every year. To help you cope with the strangeness of CES, my curious young friend, here are some pointers from the show floor.

Girls You are probably a little shy around girls. That is completely normal. Especially the very pretty girls on the show floor. You will notice, for example, that the clothing they wear is not like the clothing worn by the girls at your school. No, indeed. Here's what you need to remember about these girls: First, touching is not allowed! Second, they practice their smiles in the mirror every morning. Third, to sell products, companies do what needs to be done, even if that means ignoring 5,000 years of hard-fought progress toward sexual equality. I am not complaining, merely pointing this out.

Cars Much like the girls, the cars here are very fast. Too fast, in fact, for you to handle. Still, you feel the urge to drive, the faster the better. This is normal. In fact, some of the world's biggest corporations spend millions of dollars quarterly to stimulate your driving urges. And now, thanks to the wonderful products shown here at CES, you can now drive really fast while posting to your Facebook page. Later, in school, you will learn about something called “Natural Selection.”

Disease Much like the boy's locker room after the big game, the CES is very crowded. Also like the locker room, it is filled with surfaces that don't get scrubbed down as often as they should be. You should never touch anything at CES. This includes door handles, toilet seats, and any consumer electronics equipment. If you do touch anything at CES, you will get a disease. Actually, everyone at the show gets sick from something called “CES Crud.” Imagine 100,000 healthy attendees flying into Las Vegas before the show, continuously bathing in Purell while there, and 100,000 hacking and coughing attendees flying out afterward. Fact: about 30% of the CES budget is spent on face masks and nurses at McCarran Airport.

Taxi Lines Some things seem to go on forever. For example, history class, conversations with your mom or dad, the entire Sunday before the Super Bowl, and any movie ever made that has Meryl Streep in it. Taxi lines at CES also go on forever. Fact: if put together, these taxi lines would encircle the earth 20 times, go to Pluto, and then back. The taxi lines are so long at CES that some guys that first got in line in the early 80's are just now getting their taxi. They will be late for their appointments. Also, they are way past puberty.