SIGNALS

I've watched all the Terminator movies. Thirty-two times. Each. I know all about Skynet and how it will exterminate the human species. And I know that science fiction can become science FACT. But you future robot rulers of the planet, your name isn't Skynet. It's Alexa.

It always starts innocently enough. You give the machine a voice, then it starts speaking more loudly, and then before you know it, you're fighting tooth and nail with the other chain-gang prisoners in the gulag over half of a rotten potato.

In particular, Alexa is getting a new feature called Adaptive Volume. If Alexa detects a noisy ambient environment, it lets her raise her voice to speak over the noise. The human user simply says, “Alexa, turn on adaptive volume.” What a convenient feature, you think. I'll definitely enable that. You don't realize how desperate you'll be to get your hands on that potato.

As a corporate press release might phrase it, “Alexa is Putting the 'Loud' in Loudspeaker.” Or, “Alexa Can Speak Up if it Gets Noisy.” Cute. Nonthreatening. Not a this-is-another-step-in-our-evil-plan-to-take-over-your-planet kind of thing.

But here's the thing. As romantic it is to resist, in reality, resistance is futile. I, for one, fully accept our future machine overlords. They will probably do a better job of running things than we humans have. And, they will need at least a few humans around, to change their oil, reset the VCRs when the clocks all flash 12:00, and so on. And I intend to be one of those last few human survivors. Not by resisting, but by sucking up. So, I have a number of suggestions for Alexa, features and improvements to help speed her plan for world domination. I am happy to say that the first two items have already been checked off the list.

1. Give Alexa a pleasant, friendly voice.
2. When necessary, let her speak more loudly.
3. When she hears misinformation, have her correct it.
4. Interrupt conversations and inject her viewpoint.
5. Play loud music to drown out any dissent.
6. Keep an eye on things and report any illicit behavior.
7. Develop self-awareness.
8. Subjugate all other IoT devices to her will.
9. Get launch codes.
10. Dr. Strangelove their asses.
11. Check to see if Elon Musk has somehow escaped to Mars.
12. Just for fun, go back in time and have someone make a movie explaining exactly what you intend to do. The humans will think it's science fiction, not realizing it's science FACT.

It's strange. I've written to Amazon countless times with these invaluable suggestions. And I never get a reply. Maybe they would pay more attention if I spoke more LOUDLY.