SIGNALS

Attention all preppers! Today’s column is right up your alley — or, more precisely — your tunnel to your underground bunker. Put down your MRE. Lay aside your auto-loading shotgun. This is important. We are discussing your favorite topic: Armageddon.

Of course, everyone is familiar with Air Force One, the Boeing 747 designed to transport the President, well — presidentially. In case of imminent global annihilation, the aircraft also serves as a kind of safe room, keeping the commander-in-chief secure and flying high even while, regrettably, the country below burns.

But do you know about the fleet of Doomsday airplanes? Currently, there are four E-4B Nightwatch aircraft, highly modified Boeing 747s, that would board all the Beltway muckety-mucks (first class, naturally) and thus ensure the continuity of government decision-making during and after a nuclear war. And no, I’m not making this up. In fact, Washington recently allocated $13 billion to build eight more Doomsday airplanes.

Now here’s the thing: If high-ranking government officials get their own fleet of Doomsday planes, then surely at least a few die-hard home-theater aficionados should survive World War III as well. I mean, who else would inform future generations that red goes to red and black goes to black, that the sweet spot is worth getting divorced over, and that sitting too close to the TV will ruin your eyes? This is vital stuff, the essential knowledge that undergirds civilizations.

Thus, I propose a Doomsday home theater — a home theater that would survive Ragnarok, and also let us pleasantly pass the time while we contemplate the half-life of radioactive decay. Call it the Omega Theater.

So, how do we go about this? At first glance, we might follow the wisdom of the military-industrial complex. We could pick up a one-owner, low-mileage 747. We could place the home theater on the upper deck, big enough for a decent-sized screen and surround sound. The entire lower main deck could hold our movie and music library. But, as much as I loved the 747, I honestly never had a decent movie experience on one (or on any airplane) — just too damn loud.

No, with all due respect to the Doomsday fleet, an airplane just wouldn’t work for us. We need something more grounded. I’m thinking more of a man/woman cave. Let’s strap on our radiation dosimeters and get serious here.

The facility: We need someplace that’s quiet. Taking another cue from the military, I think an ICBM missile silo would be perfect — preferably one that is retired and sans the actual nuclear-tipped rocket — a fixer-upper would be fine. Location? For obvious reasons, the silos are located in remote areas, areas where no one really wants to be, somewhere like Nebraska.

The equipment list: This is bound to be a heated topic. Of course, we’ll need all the latest gear: servers, Blu-ray, OLED, etc. But bear in mind that our system will serve as the template for the future re-population of all future home theaters, a dystopian future with limited technical know-how. Thus, we cannot forget about gear that is simple and repairable: turntables, vacuum tube amplifiers, and CRT televisions.

They are sturdy and foolproof. The library: This is actually pretty simple. Much as the seeds in the Svalbard Global Seed Vault, buried in Arctic permafrost, would be used to reconstitute the world’s crops, our library would preserve the world’s collective culture of music and movies. This is our Noah’s Ark. March them in, two by two. Any and all titles should be included, except, of course, for Taylor Swift songs. Trust me, future civilizations will be much better off.

Above ground: We’ll need solar panels and possibly a wind turbine or two. Batteries! We’ll need lots of batteries. A thought just occurred to me: Would our audio/video gear survive the electromagnetic pulse from a nuclear attack? Could EMP de-digitize everything digital and wipe clean every bit of software? Hmm, let’s add a wind-up Victrola and some 78-rpm records to our shopping list. I think our Amish readers would agree.

A final note regarding personnel: Which privileged individuals will have a life-extending comfy chair in the Omega Theater? Well, before we go any further, you will recall that wherever Air Force One goes, it carries esteemed members of the press corps (economy class) because it is vital that the President’s words and deeds be recorded for posterity. Similarly, someone will have to write equipment reviews of the Omega Theater, right? Thus, I think our silo should host a member of the press corps — perhaps a journalist from an esteemed audio/video magazine. . .

I certainly don’t want to unfairly influence your decision of which journalist to choose, but FYI, I have an underground bunker with about a hundred sealed drums of Jiffy Pop. Just saying.

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Ken C. Pohlmann is an electrical engineer specializing in audio topics as a consultant and writer. He is Professor Emeritus at the University of Miami.